Death Collector?!?!?

So I finally had Joey clean out his gross backpack. He unzipped his front pocket to unearth this book. I said, "WTF, why do you have a book called The DEATH collector!?!" He said, I don't know, I got it from Santa when he came to our school before Christmas break."

Say it ain't so, Santa. Say it ain't so!!!!

Flowers and Cheez Doodles

As I am sitting here eating cheez doodles I am thinking about all of the things in life that I want to do and how many things hold me back from doing them. There's 2. Just 2 things, money and my weight. The sad thing is it's not so much the money as it is the weight. I can afford to go to an amusement park but my fat ass doesn't fit on the rides. I can afford to play sports but my fat ass doesn't move fast enough. I can afford to play with my kids... that is free, BUT my fat ass won't let me run, hike, jump, chase, bend over, bend down, kneel, sit on the ground, fit in a swing, fit on a slide, fit through the tunnels, roll around, etc.

I need to get my shit together. If anyone out there can get my ass in gear then PLEASE help me!

I planted a garden on Mother's day and some flowers today. Hopefully we will have tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, and hot peppers in a few short weeks.

Baby fever

You know that you really want another kid when you see the "Rosemary's Baby" commercial and think...... "Well how bad could it really be..." 

I wish my last pregnancy wasn't so scary. I wish I could lose weight, for real. I wish we had more money. I wish I could just focus on one dream at a time and stop trying to live 10 lives at once. I just want to experience life. As much as possible. I need to stop eating garbage again and lose this weight. Nothing I do now will hide what I really want to do.

I want to roller skate. 

I want to FIT in a swing.

I want my kids to be able to fit their arms around me when they hug me. 

I want to live.

I want to live. 

Why can't I get my shit together? Why does food have so much power over me???? 

Therapy tomorrow. I need to get to the bottom of this. 

Fantasy Softball League?

When will this crazy fatness end? Why can't I just wake up 75 pounds lighter ???? That's all I really want. I want to lose this weight by not changing one single things in my life. I wish I could have gotten the bariatric surgery but I chickened out 3 times. 3!!!!!

I start softball this weekend and I am terrified of dying out there. I can barely walk some days and my fat ass joined a softball league. WTF was I thinking ?? Seriously? I wasn't. I like the idea of playing softball but not in this body. I think the reason I did it is because I will always make an excuse. I just ripped off the bandaid. Now I will sort of be fat shaming myself in a very public way. I really have no other choice but to drop some weight and shape up a little. Otherwise I will suck royally and die in the outfield.

I really want to do this and I know that I have the potential to be good at softball. I loved playing when I was younger and I love being on a team. I bought a bat, balls, a bag, cleats, and a glove. I played catch in the yard with the two older kids today. I was out there for a half hour and I was exhausted. Let's hope the innings aren't that long. I seriously need to get my shit together! Keep your fingers crossed that I don't die. Just to be safe cross whatever body parts you can. Trust me it will help.

Fat life

I'm here frying up chicken cutlets for my son's 9th birthday. It's his favorite meal. He also put in a request for the awesome -est cake I've ever made!!! It's a milk chocolate layer cake that is covered in melted chocolate. I let  the layers cool, filled it with chocolate mousse, and iced the whole friggin thing in mousse!! Insane! There goes my diet! Tomorrow is another day! 

This is one bad ass cake! The words are written in white chocolate!!! It was so yummy! I'm going to make a peanut butter cupcake recipe that's a spin off of this! 

Once upon a time

I remember being 15. I remember it so vividly that the pain of some of those memories are still very fresh. 

I promised myself that I'd marry a hero. Someone who would lift me from the rubble. He would be smart and deep. Caring and kind. Patient and strong. He would know all of the words to "Angie" by the Rolling Stones and "I Will Buy You a New Life". He would know why those songs meant so much AND nothing at the same time. 

He would defend me. He would stand behind me. 

I would do all of that and more for him. 

Indiana bound

It's almost 2:30 a.m. and we're somewhere in the mountains of Pennsylvania. My ears are frighin killing me from the mountain's grip around my skull. It's 7 of us in the van. My family of 5 and my parents. I'm excited to see my grandma but I am afraid of trouble starting when we get there. 

I haven't seen her since she was gram-napped by my evil great uncles. They brought her half way to Indiana under false pretenses and then my extremely insensitive aunt took her from there and brought her to live there with her. 

This is the longest I've ever been without her. You can feel the anxiety in the car. And there is still 6 hrs left of this drive! 

Oh yeah we almost hit a deer and I can't sleep. It's been a crazy trip. I'm glad my parents are coming. I love them and I don't think they would've gone alone. 

Going to Starbucks I'll blog later.  

this shit again...

Well, interestingly enough, I am still fat. I'm not sure why this has to be so slow and why I have to have so many set backs. I am starting a new competition in 9 days and in the meantime I'm fucking off and not even tracking my food. It's a free for all in my mouth. (probably not the best way to word that but eh...) I did have a girls night out... sort of. I met up with some of the ladies in the weight loss group and we ate healthy crap. I ate brownies made out of black beans and I still don't know how I feel about that. I think that I feel like I cheated on real brownies. I am the fattest one of course and that's kind of the way shit has always been. I lose 30 pounds and am still fat. NOT FAIR!!! Ugh. I gained a bunch back but I will pretend it's party of my strategy to lose more weight in the competition.

I hate the way my blog looks. I have to fix that shit. I guess I will be learning a new skill soon.

Right now I am literally supposed to be writing not 1 but 2 frigging research papers that I started today and they are due in 7 and half hours. Fuck me!!! Why do I do this shit? It's like I hate being ahead. I am a self saboteur.

I look like a drag queen. And not a good one. I'm channeling Divine here. 

Indiana bound

It's almost 2:30 a.m. and we're somewhere in the mountains of Pennsylvania. My ears are frighin killing me from the mountain's grip around my skull. It's 7 of us in the van. My family of 5 and my parents. I'm excited to see my grandma but I am afraid of trouble starting when we get there. 

I haven't seen her since she was gram-napped by my evil great uncles. They brought her half way to Indiana under false pretenses and then my extremely insensitive aunt took her from there and brought her to live there with her. 

This is the longest I've ever been without her. You can feel the anxiety in the car. And there is still 6 hrs left of this drive! 

Oh yeah we almost hit a deer and I can't sleep. It's been a crazy trip. I'm glad my parents are coming. I love them and I don't think they would've gone alone. 

Going to Starbucks I'll blog later.  

Random. Just for the sake of being random.

Today was an odd day. 

I'm 1 pound away from the 30 pound loss mark and I'm terrified. We are taking a trip to Indiana to visit my grandma. I am afraid that between the long car ride and the chaos I might go severely off track. :( 

I'm not sure if I will still have a job next week. Something weird is going on in the office and now I'm supposed to be working from home. Hmmm... Do I have any say in this shit? I can't even quit because I have nothing else...I may consider stripping. I'm sure that a 300 pound, 31 yr old, mother of 3 is extremely desireable. Just gotta get some glitter and baby oil...

I dyed my hair today. Tomorrow my sis will do my hi-lights and cut my hair. Thank God I have a hair dresser for a sister, otherwise my hair would probably never get cut and I'd still be dying my hair "DAMN that's red!"... I may have to reconsider my color choice if I do go into stripping. Maybe an auburn or sunset color. Ooh maybe that grey-purple color that Kelly Osborne was rocking a while back. I can have my hair match mouse pubes. Yup. It's that kind of day.

  

I need a break

All day long I've wanted to throw in the towel and just eat and eat. I'm frustrated and hungry. I want to cry. I feel like I'm drowning and don't know which way is up or down. I want to such give in to that sleepy happiness. I've over done it the last few days. I need to find time again. 

I'm not sure if I like my new job. It keeps me from the gym and fucks with my entire day. I miss my older 2 kids. I never eat 3 meals anymore and wind up over doing it for dinner and snacks. This really sucks!!! Seriously. I need to get my shot together. Nothing feels right anymore! :( 

Trying

Well I am officially down 26 pounds in my weightless group. The weekends kill me though. They really do. I can't stay focused and no matter how hard I try pizza always shows up.  I LOVE pizza. 

I wish they had rehab for fat people like they do for drugs and alcohol. I would SO totally sign up for a 30 day stay. I want to cry some days because it's so hard. I hate when people say cthings like "just have one" or "only eat the serving size". Clearly I am the poster child for self control (insert big eye roll). I know that some people just don't get it or just don't understand. 

I LOVE food. I love to eat. Excessively. I'm trying to refrain and be good. Most days I succeed some days I don't. I just keep making myself shake it off and move forward. One meal at a time. 

Accounting for shrinkage

I had a moment to myself earlier. It was like 2 minutes but I'll take it! In that moment I was thinking about how my goal doesn't seem so big when I break it up into weeks and months. So as long as I stay on this path I will be a smaller version of myself everyday. 

The Walrus and the Carpenter

This morning has been sort of awful. My middle child woke up at 2:45 and was vomiting and had stomach pain. Every time I cleaned up after him and fell back asleep he woke up again needing me. Now he is bright eyed and bushy tailed telling me that he feels "fantastic". I feel like shit run over, twice. Now I have to chase around the 2 yr old all day while feeling like a zombie. Not to mention the dog has an ear infection and it took me 30 minutes to wrestle her to the ground to apply the drops in her ear. UGH! I also had to cancel a very much needed play date with a dear friend. =( Womp!

I ate two bowls of cereal this morning and I feel guilty. I mean they were Cheerios but still almost 300 calories gone. I did track my calories so at least I can try and stay under my 1400 calories. I should be able to considering I am too tired to sleep eat! Jeez what is wrong with me today? Who writes that they are too tired to sleep?? Me that's who. Someone so far beyond tired that nonsense is the only thing that makes sense. Like in Alice in Wonderland.


I also want to suggest the APP that I use for anyone trying to lose weight or maintain a certain calorie amount a day. I use My Fitness Pal. It is free and wonderful. I have lost more weight and stayed focused longer, while using this APP, than I ever did on Weight Watchers or any other diet I went on.

Lunch

Ok. I had to share my lunch! No fat added microwave omelette!!! 

I know it doesn't look that pretty but it sure is good for you!

2 cups raw spinach on side

Lunch omelette:

2 egg whites

1 whole egg

2 Tbsp water

1/4 cup red bell pepper

1/2 medium tomato

1 Tbsp raw onion

1/2 slice white American cheese

Chop onions, pepper and tomato so that they look like chunky salsa. 

Ok. Grab a microwave safe bowl. Beat the egg whites, egg, and water in the bowl. Throw in the peppers, tomato and onion. Give it all a mix. Put the bowl in the microwave for 1 minute 30 seconds. Remove from microwave and give the eggs a stir to evenly distribute the cooked egg from the uncooked egg. Put back in the microwave for another 1 minute 30 seconds and let sit a minute. It should look like it's cooked all around and no wetness in the middle. If there's a small puddle of liquid then mix again and go for 30 seconds more in intervals until egg is cooked. Top with cheese. 

Viola! No fat added yummy lunch omelette! 

Calorie break down: 

Eggs - 105 calories 

Red pepper- 6 calories

Onion- 4 calories

Tomato- 11 calories

Cheese - 35 calories

Spinach- 13 calories

Total- approximately 186 calories!!!! 

I have a turkey breast in the oven. I'll share dinner later on. I haven't decided on sides. The family is having stove top and canned veggies. I'll probably have spinach and spaghetti squash. Gotta make room for dessert!!! 

Yum!

Good Morning,

After a very productive 2 days I am back down to 317 pounds! I drank a ton of water and made myself some delicious treats that were low calorie. Here is one of my favorites!

This is zucchini and tomatoes. You can add chicken or shrimp to it or eat it over spaghetti squash or pasta. I chose to throw it in a bowl and devour the whole thing.

What you'll need:

2 tomatoes

1 zucchini

1 tsp garlic minced, garlic powder or adobe

Pinch of salt

Pinch of crushed red pepper (only if you like spicy)

Pinch of  pepper 

Take the 2 tomatoes and dice them and set aside. Cut the zucchini into thick slices and quarter the slices. Throw the tomatoes (seeds and skins too) into a heated skillet. Let them cook for a few seconds and then lower your flame to a medium heat. Throw the zucchini in, mix and then add garlic and spices. You need to keep stirring so the mixture so the tomatoes won't stick. (You can add some olive oil to the pan before starting but I didn't want the added fat.) Put the flame on simmer and put a lid over the skillet so everything can kind of stew together. Cook until the zucchini is at a desired texture. I like my zucchini a bit snappy so I don't cook it for too long. Enjoy!

Calorie count:

2 tomatoes- 44 calories

Approximately 1 cup of zucchini - 60 calories

Garlic 5 calories

This very filling sauce/side/snack is only 109 calories!!!! 

Where it starts

Well... here I am. All 319 pounds of me. I wanted to start this blog in the beginning of January when I started this diet but like many things that I do, I kind of put it off. My first post is being made because it is a class assignment. It was the perfect PUSH to get me started.

Ok a little about me. I am Angie. I am a 31 year old mother of 3. My whole entire life has been chubby. I have been described as cherub faced, high cheek boned, chubby, FAT, chunky, thick, MISS PIGGY, a beached whale, twinkie fingers & ding dong toes (YUM), voluptuous, beautiful, BBW, BIG... ok I can go on but I will save some of my dignity.

Where it all started...

 THIS IS MY MOM! Mother of 3 and grandmother of 5!!!

I have a mother who is beautiful. Seriously a knock out. Blonde hair, blue eyes, long eyelashes... all of those things that women wish they had and men wanted to be with. Mom has low self esteem and a poor body image. She has struggled with her weight her whole life (not to the extreme I have) and has projected her fears of being a fat nobody on me. Despite my outgoing nature, happy attitude and love for all the people of the world, mom still had to make me feel like less of a person because I carried more weight in the middle. She's a good woman but all of her issues and shitty upbringing meant that I was doomed to walk the earth carrying her burdens.
She was picked on and never made it past the 8th grade. SOOOOO at the age of 13 she put me on a diet. A really strict one. YUCK! Warm lemon juice water in the morning and the blandest, driest, fake-est tasting  foods (that were bought from a dietitian who peddled these products I'm sure she profited from) She told me that high school was a lot different from middle school and the kids would beat me up just for being fat. I was TERRIFIED and complied. I lost a bunch of weight. I was starving and would go days with barely eating. I was so afraid that I would walk into high school and everyone would turn on me. My friends, the teachers, strangers... hell I was afraid the janitor would laugh at me. Well I looked good the first day of 9th grade. Flare jeans and a Doors t-shirt. (GRROWL! I was a 90's hippie- skater kid. Oasis rocks!)

• -9th grade first real boyfriend. I'm so happy I can't eat
• -10th grade real boyfriend dumps me after taking my virginity and humiliates me- I eat. A bunch
•  2nd half of tenth grade I meet another giant loser he dumps me I get fatter
• -10th grade (the second time) I brush off the losers, buckle down and date a little while getting fatter I'm back to about 180 pounds
• 2nd half of 2nd year in 10th grade I meet my future husband. So happy, can't eat, working
• 11th grade- there was a mistake. All of my hard work to bring my grades up has me lacking in credits that bring me back to 10th grade
• 10th grade- I dropped out. Started working full time. All of my friends graduate. My husband (boyfriend at the time) graduates. 
• The year 2000- a lot of fun, working, partying, hanging out
• 2001- I turned 18 in January- 
• June I found out I was pregnant.
• MOVED out of mom and dad's 
• Got an apartment with Joe- he works and is gone about 14 hrs a day. I'm home, 18 and pregnant, no car. I get heavier
• We get married in November- 6 months pregnant
• January- I turn 19'
• FEBRUARY 13, 2002 
• The greatest day of my life. I gave birth to my 6lb 12 oz bundle of happiness. Hailey Rose Belmont
• April- found out my husband cheated on me at his bachelor party.
• Life comes to a crashing halt. I contemplate suicide but I love my daughter more than anything and can't imagine leaving her behind
• We reconcile
• I got fatter
• And fatter 
• and fatter
• 2004
• I found out I was pregnant with Joey.
• APRIL 7, 2005
• Next greatest day of my life. I had a family. I real little family. A mom and dad and a girl and boy.
• I gained 65 pounds. Barely lost any of it. I am a whopping 260 pounds.
• I am anxious and depressed. Suicidal again.
• More weight.
• Then I lost about 30 pounds.
• Went on anxiety meds. Gained more weight.
• 3 miscarriages. 
• We made peace with the fact that we will no longer have anymore children.
• I start working. Full time. I have a real job. I am a licensed insurance broker, hubby has a good job, life is good. We move into a rented home that costs nearly double what our apartment costs. 
• MAY 2011
• went to doctor for bad pain in pelvic area.
• Pregnant again! PREGNANT AGAIN!!!
• A lot of drama that is still too hard to talk about.
• JANUARY 17, 2012
• Here he was. All the trouble, the waiting, the tears. I gave birth via c-section, my miracle baby. Ben.
• FAST FORWARD
• DECEMBER 2013
• I decide to join a weight loss competition. I knew full well that I wouldn't win but wanted to give it a shot.
• JANUARY 1, 2014
• I started my journey. 337 pounds. 
• I lose 21.
• Gain back 2
• 319 pounds. Going to the gym tomorrow.