Been a while

So... I decided to take the plunge and get Bariatric surgery. Boooo! I know! I am scheduled for August 26th for the gastric sleeve. I AM very nervous but I need to do this to get the weight off. I know there is a lot of things to be said about the surgery but I don't care anymore. There's nothing anyone could say to me that I haven't thought. 

1. No I can't do it on my own. 

2. No this is not the easy way out

3. Yes life will be harder for a while

4. Yes this was a difficult decision

5. I have a ton of support

6. My surgeon is really good

7. The nutritionists are helpful

9. I'm going to miss junk food

10. My life will improve

11. I can play and be active WITH my kids instead of watching them

12. This is hard

13. Liquid diet?!?!?

14. I'm being an inconvenience to my family

15. My friends don't understand 

16. Nobody really understands 

17. I am scared

These are pretty much my thoughts on a daily basis. 

Death Collector?!?!?

So I finally had Joey clean out his gross backpack. He unzipped his front pocket to unearth this book. I said, "WTF, why do you have a book called The DEATH collector!?!" He said, I don't know, I got it from Santa when he came to our school before Christmas break."

Say it ain't so, Santa. Say it ain't so!!!!

Flowers and Cheez Doodles

As I am sitting here eating cheez doodles I am thinking about all of the things in life that I want to do and how many things hold me back from doing them. There's 2. Just 2 things, money and my weight. The sad thing is it's not so much the money as it is the weight. I can afford to go to an amusement park but my fat ass doesn't fit on the rides. I can afford to play sports but my fat ass doesn't move fast enough. I can afford to play with my kids... that is free, BUT my fat ass won't let me run, hike, jump, chase, bend over, bend down, kneel, sit on the ground, fit in a swing, fit on a slide, fit through the tunnels, roll around, etc.

I need to get my shit together. If anyone out there can get my ass in gear then PLEASE help me!

I planted a garden on Mother's day and some flowers today. Hopefully we will have tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, and hot peppers in a few short weeks.

Baby fever

You know that you really want another kid when you see the "Rosemary's Baby" commercial and think...... "Well how bad could it really be..." 

I wish my last pregnancy wasn't so scary. I wish I could lose weight, for real. I wish we had more money. I wish I could just focus on one dream at a time and stop trying to live 10 lives at once. I just want to experience life. As much as possible. I need to stop eating garbage again and lose this weight. Nothing I do now will hide what I really want to do.

I want to roller skate. 

I want to FIT in a swing.

I want my kids to be able to fit their arms around me when they hug me. 

I want to live.

I want to live. 

Why can't I get my shit together? Why does food have so much power over me???? 

Therapy tomorrow. I need to get to the bottom of this. 

Fantasy Softball League?

When will this crazy fatness end? Why can't I just wake up 75 pounds lighter ???? That's all I really want. I want to lose this weight by not changing one single things in my life. I wish I could have gotten the bariatric surgery but I chickened out 3 times. 3!!!!!

I start softball this weekend and I am terrified of dying out there. I can barely walk some days and my fat ass joined a softball league. WTF was I thinking ?? Seriously? I wasn't. I like the idea of playing softball but not in this body. I think the reason I did it is because I will always make an excuse. I just ripped off the bandaid. Now I will sort of be fat shaming myself in a very public way. I really have no other choice but to drop some weight and shape up a little. Otherwise I will suck royally and die in the outfield.

I really want to do this and I know that I have the potential to be good at softball. I loved playing when I was younger and I love being on a team. I bought a bat, balls, a bag, cleats, and a glove. I played catch in the yard with the two older kids today. I was out there for a half hour and I was exhausted. Let's hope the innings aren't that long. I seriously need to get my shit together! Keep your fingers crossed that I don't die. Just to be safe cross whatever body parts you can. Trust me it will help.

Fat life

I'm here frying up chicken cutlets for my son's 9th birthday. It's his favorite meal. He also put in a request for the awesome -est cake I've ever made!!! It's a milk chocolate layer cake that is covered in melted chocolate. I let  the layers cool, filled it with chocolate mousse, and iced the whole friggin thing in mousse!! Insane! There goes my diet! Tomorrow is another day! 

This is one bad ass cake! The words are written in white chocolate!!! It was so yummy! I'm going to make a peanut butter cupcake recipe that's a spin off of this! 

Once upon a time

I remember being 15. I remember it so vividly that the pain of some of those memories are still very fresh. 

I promised myself that I'd marry a hero. Someone who would lift me from the rubble. He would be smart and deep. Caring and kind. Patient and strong. He would know all of the words to "Angie" by the Rolling Stones and "I Will Buy You a New Life". He would know why those songs meant so much AND nothing at the same time. 

He would defend me. He would stand behind me. 

I would do all of that and more for him.