Indiana bound

It's almost 2:30 a.m. and we're somewhere in the mountains of Pennsylvania. My ears are frighin killing me from the mountain's grip around my skull. It's 7 of us in the van. My family of 5 and my parents. I'm excited to see my grandma but I am afraid of trouble starting when we get there. 

I haven't seen her since she was gram-napped by my evil great uncles. They brought her half way to Indiana under false pretenses and then my extremely insensitive aunt took her from there and brought her to live there with her. 

This is the longest I've ever been without her. You can feel the anxiety in the car. And there is still 6 hrs left of this drive! 

Oh yeah we almost hit a deer and I can't sleep. It's been a crazy trip. I'm glad my parents are coming. I love them and I don't think they would've gone alone. 

Going to Starbucks I'll blog later.  

this shit again...

Well, interestingly enough, I am still fat. I'm not sure why this has to be so slow and why I have to have so many set backs. I am starting a new competition in 9 days and in the meantime I'm fucking off and not even tracking my food. It's a free for all in my mouth. (probably not the best way to word that but eh...) I did have a girls night out... sort of. I met up with some of the ladies in the weight loss group and we ate healthy crap. I ate brownies made out of black beans and I still don't know how I feel about that. I think that I feel like I cheated on real brownies. I am the fattest one of course and that's kind of the way shit has always been. I lose 30 pounds and am still fat. NOT FAIR!!! Ugh. I gained a bunch back but I will pretend it's party of my strategy to lose more weight in the competition.

I hate the way my blog looks. I have to fix that shit. I guess I will be learning a new skill soon.

Right now I am literally supposed to be writing not 1 but 2 frigging research papers that I started today and they are due in 7 and half hours. Fuck me!!! Why do I do this shit? It's like I hate being ahead. I am a self saboteur.

I look like a drag queen. And not a good one. I'm channeling Divine here. 

Indiana bound

It's almost 2:30 a.m. and we're somewhere in the mountains of Pennsylvania. My ears are frighin killing me from the mountain's grip around my skull. It's 7 of us in the van. My family of 5 and my parents. I'm excited to see my grandma but I am afraid of trouble starting when we get there. 

I haven't seen her since she was gram-napped by my evil great uncles. They brought her half way to Indiana under false pretenses and then my extremely insensitive aunt took her from there and brought her to live there with her. 

This is the longest I've ever been without her. You can feel the anxiety in the car. And there is still 6 hrs left of this drive! 

Oh yeah we almost hit a deer and I can't sleep. It's been a crazy trip. I'm glad my parents are coming. I love them and I don't think they would've gone alone. 

Going to Starbucks I'll blog later.  

Random. Just for the sake of being random.

Today was an odd day. 

I'm 1 pound away from the 30 pound loss mark and I'm terrified. We are taking a trip to Indiana to visit my grandma. I am afraid that between the long car ride and the chaos I might go severely off track. :( 

I'm not sure if I will still have a job next week. Something weird is going on in the office and now I'm supposed to be working from home. Hmmm... Do I have any say in this shit? I can't even quit because I have nothing else...I may consider stripping. I'm sure that a 300 pound, 31 yr old, mother of 3 is extremely desireable. Just gotta get some glitter and baby oil...

I dyed my hair today. Tomorrow my sis will do my hi-lights and cut my hair. Thank God I have a hair dresser for a sister, otherwise my hair would probably never get cut and I'd still be dying my hair "DAMN that's red!"... I may have to reconsider my color choice if I do go into stripping. Maybe an auburn or sunset color. Ooh maybe that grey-purple color that Kelly Osborne was rocking a while back. I can have my hair match mouse pubes. Yup. It's that kind of day.

  

I need a break

All day long I've wanted to throw in the towel and just eat and eat. I'm frustrated and hungry. I want to cry. I feel like I'm drowning and don't know which way is up or down. I want to such give in to that sleepy happiness. I've over done it the last few days. I need to find time again. 

I'm not sure if I like my new job. It keeps me from the gym and fucks with my entire day. I miss my older 2 kids. I never eat 3 meals anymore and wind up over doing it for dinner and snacks. This really sucks!!! Seriously. I need to get my shot together. Nothing feels right anymore! :( 

Trying

Well I am officially down 26 pounds in my weightless group. The weekends kill me though. They really do. I can't stay focused and no matter how hard I try pizza always shows up.  I LOVE pizza. 

I wish they had rehab for fat people like they do for drugs and alcohol. I would SO totally sign up for a 30 day stay. I want to cry some days because it's so hard. I hate when people say cthings like "just have one" or "only eat the serving size". Clearly I am the poster child for self control (insert big eye roll). I know that some people just don't get it or just don't understand. 

I LOVE food. I love to eat. Excessively. I'm trying to refrain and be good. Most days I succeed some days I don't. I just keep making myself shake it off and move forward. One meal at a time.